You know who you are. I never stop thinking of you. Those of you who I've lost touch or I don't talk to enough, I'm sorry. I'm weird like that. Just know that you're always on my mind and I welcome any contact. No hard feelings towards anyone. Love, Me.
Yeah yeah, so it's been at least a couple weeks since I saw them but I didn't have anything else to write about! Ian McCulloch was looking sexy but damn his voice sounded like shit! I mean I was expecting that because it always does but man it got a lot worse from the last time. He just sounded like he was struggling to hit every note except for the last song, ocean rain, which he sang beautifully. When he sant the last "beneath the waves" line I was surprised he pulled it off, I can't even sing it. That gave me hope. He was chain-smoking the whole time and looking so stylish as usual.The band sounded frickin' awesome! I swear the junkie-looking guitarist was staring at me throughout the show. I love Echo & the Bunnymen, they rock so hard. Me and Kede C were disappointed they didn't play My Kingdom, which they played last time I saw them. I wanted to hear Rust, too, but again I already heard it the last couple times at least. All in all everyone had an awesome time, even Miguel who I expected to be making fun of it afterwrds, but nope he actually liked it! I can't wait until I get to see another concert, Miguel just found out NOFX are playing at the palladium so he got us tickets and I'm so excited! I didn't like them much when I first heard them but they grew on me like a cancer, I think it's the lyrics I like the most. It's always good to have things to look forward to.
It was awesome! I still can't believe I got front row tickets from ticketmaster. PETER MURPHY TOUCHED ME! Yeah baby, who wants to touch my hand now? It has magic on it. That's my rock star hand, after all. It has acquired the magic juju of all the rock stars it touched before him. I went with Kede C and she caught the drumstick too! I had so much fun it was crazy. I felt like a little teenybopper again. I love it when I can be up close like that and they make eye contact with you and stand right in front of you when they're singing. Is it horrible that I was staring at the large bulge in Daniel Ash's leather pants half the time? I've said too much now, hehehehe. Peter Murphy looked like a cross between Captain Hook and Tim Curry. His voice sounded great. I think I had the most fun when they played In the flat field but The passion of lovers was really awesome too. Man what a great show. I can't wait for Echo & the Bunnymen on Saturday! I am looking forward to oggling Ian McCulloch. Bwahahaha!
Look, I'm back. Whoopdy doo! It's taken a while to recover from my previous horrific living situation which made me very bitter and antisocial. I don't mean to distance myself from everyone I know but somehow it happens. Sorry to anyone who cares. I've been living with Miguel in our new place since late August now. My how time flies. Days turn into weeks into months and they just slip away like grains of sand. I'm determined to stop that from now on. I want to go back to having fun, yes, fun. It seems to be a forgotten thing lately but oh yes I will recapture my teenage years. I'm turning 21 soon after all! Who's gonna take me out for a drink? So yeah, life has been pretty good, I guess. It sure can't ever be bad when you're in love like we are. Still, I long for more. Miguel and I have a happy little life with our apartment and our cat (Ruby, we got her from a friend last month and she's sooooo cute) but it gets awfully lonely during the day when he's at work and I have nothing to do. I might go apple picking and bake pies today but man I wish I had someone to do it with! I miss everyone, even people I haven't talked to in over a year (Cory you louse I'm looking in your direction) and I regret being so distant for all this time. It's hard to explain why I do the things I do, all I can say is I never mean to hurt anyone and things which are easy for some are exceedingly difficult for me. Boo-friggin'-hoo, right? Anyway, somebody, give me a holla if you want to mend things up and go have some fun. I've been feeling really gothy lately. It's been a while for that, I've since hung up my vinyl and fishnets and mostly listen to things like Boston and Fleetwood Mac. Maybe it's autumn and the way the leaves fall on the gravestones, maybe it's anticipation of the upcoming Bauhaus show (front row seats, woohoo!!) but dammit I really want to put on my eternal love ballgown and prance around in a cemetary taking pictures. I want to paint my nails black (they're fire engine red right now) and go out and do the flower pulling dance. Wtf is wrong with me? I swear I'm going through an early mid-life crisis right now. Yeah, I'm old and crotchety! Anybody want to go out and try to recapture youth with me?
Ok, so when I first saw the commercials for this show I thought it was kinda cheesy since nobody could ever replace Michael Hutchence and all that but I decided to check out an episode of Rock Star INXS just to see what the contestants were like. A couple were crappy, a couple were pretty good, and then came Jordis. She sang "The man who sold the world" by David Bowie and it was fucking amazing, way better than anyone else has ever sang it before. Like the INXS guy said after she sang it "shivers with goosebumps with shivers". I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon usually, but I'm already obsessed with this chick and she needs to put out a CD so I can listen to it!
I need to get one of those trendy counters that everyone has. Mine will be how long until I move out of this hellhole which is September 1st. The little things are pissing me off more and more by the day. I just saw Bill has eaten my entire huge container of cottage cheese and it made me ragey and I don't want to be because it's just food and I love Bill but goddammit everything is just piling up and making the little things worse. Well, that and I have been taking a break from work and I seriously spent all the cash I had left on food and I can't just replace it and feed other people anymore. Dammit. This feels good. I usually only vent to Miguel but he's working right now and I miss him sooo much. I'm gonna spray some of his cologne on a pillow and hug it and pretend it's him. I'm weird, I know. YES HE JUST CAME HOME HURRAYYYYYY!!! Ugh punch me in the face, I'm one of those lovey dovey annoying people now.
Speaking of punching in the face I have had a strong urge to do that to a certain special someone all day. Is this wrong? We're supposed to be "sisters". Fuck I don't even care if she reads this because she should know how I feel. If you passively take advantage of someone for a long time and consistenly be a lazy ass and not put forth the effort to pull your own weight and help out you damn well better expect them to get resentful. Unless you're in denial about being a lazy ass, I guess. "Well I'm trying my best" goddammit no there should not be such a thing as trying it needs to be eliminated from the english dictionary because you either do it or you don't do it. Trying is loser talk. Besides if you were really trying your hardest you would be out there plastering the internet and the world with your resume EVERY DAY until you succeed, that is how you get shit done. You don't drop off your application at the few "cool" places you want to work and be like "oh I tried" NO!! Fucking put an ad on craigslist for cleaning houses or babysitting. Sometimes you have to get down on your knees and do the dirty work to survive. She wouldn't survive if she didn't have me and her other mom, the one that gave birth to her and pays her car payments and insurance for her every month. If I was 27 and living off of mommy and daddy I'd feel crappy about myself too but I'd also take whatever action neccessary to fix it. The final straw for me was when I was trying to make up for her share of the rent money business was really terrible at work and I couldn't make the money for the life of me. She had told me she asked her dad for it and he said no and the truth was she never asked him until she found out I couldn't make it. SHE WOULD RATHER HAVE ME OUT THERE BUSTING MY ASS TO MAKE HER RENT MONEY THAN ASK HER RICH DAD FOR IT. Yeah, how's that for a friend. Some friend and "sister". Sometimes I wonder if she really cares at all. Our DirecTV is shut off now because I refuse to keep paying the full amount when she told me when we got it that she would pay for half. That's only $25 a month, that's less than $10 a week and she can't even give me that? What the fuck? She spends that much every month with what little money she comes accross on beer, cigarrettes and assorted useless crap. Does she have any idea how that makes me feel? Since being with Miguel I have grown to dislike and sometimes even despise my job but I continue to do it because I am independent, I need to pay my bills and I refuse to be a freeloader. The last job she had she walked out on because they "treated her like a child" well goddamn maybe it's because she fucking acts like one. I have never met anyone else so needy and negative in my life. Even when she's not whining she still has a whiny negative inflection to her voice. She complains about how nobody wants to hang out with her or call her anymore and I've talked to them and they all tell me it's because all she does is piss and moan about her problems and nobody wants to hang out with someone like that when they have problems of their own. Gargh. Ok I think I have done enough venting for now and Miguel is playing guitar for me and I want to go kiss him.
I don't know why, I guess I have some crazy illusion that there might actually be somebody reading this who wants to know what's been going on with me. Not that my friends don't care, but if I hang out with somebody in real life then they already know!
Bliss. That is the best way for me to describe my situation. Now, not saying that my life is all sunshine and lollipops. My financial situation is kinda crap right now, but I get my bills paid on time so what do I care about that? Not just my bills but other people's bills too. Most of my stress comes from taking care of someone who should be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. If I wanted a child, I'd get pregnant and have a baby, not adopt a 27 year-old!! Now this is going to sound awfully resentful if I keep going, and I don't want it to seem like that. I love her to death, I know she's an awesome person and can do so much better but I'm just kinda fed up with bearing her financial and emotional burdens. The turning point in my life was when I realized that I am the master of my own universe and I am solely responsible for my happiness, reality, and destiny. Once I realized that everything changed for the better. I just wish she could see it too. But yeah, I'm done with that, I'm not going to be in this living situation in a few months, which is how I come to the bliss part.
It's been nine and a half months now and Miguel and I have decided that the time has come to get our own place together. We have been talking about our future constantly and we have decided that the best thing for us to get started on our path to success is to minimize our expenses and get our own cozy little nook together. We make better roommates with each other than anyone we've ever lived with before and we're crazy madly deeply in love with each other so it makes sense. He is the one for me, he makes all the sappy sayings and songs finally make sense, before this I never knew true love. I couldn't ask for more and I couldn't be happier. The whole world could be turning to shit around us and all that matters is that we have each other and we can get ourselves out of any crappy situation if we do it together. I've never been with anyone where it wasn't just a romance, but an alliance and partnership. I feel like we can take on the world together. I am so excited about our future, like never before. Every day is a gift and a blessing.
Well, I could wax ecstatic forever but I really do have better things to do. This will probably be my last entry for a long time because I much prefer reality to the cyberworld and strangely I don't feel like I have much to write about when everything is going great.
Oh yeah before I go I'll tell the funny story of why I'm not working this week. The other day I was trying to fix a bong and I couldn't do it so Miguel was trying for me. I was getting ready to leave for work when I hear him shout "fuck!" so I go into the room to see what was going on and promptly pierce the sole of my foot on a very large piece of broken glass. Miguel had already run downstairs to dress his own wound so when I let out a bloodcurdling shreik he came bolting upstairs to see what was wrong. I had pulled out the glass shard and I was bleeding more than I have ever seen in my life so needless to say I was screaming, crying, shaking and generally flipping out. I couldn't walk so what does he do? He picks me up and carries me downstairs! I was so scared of falling but he didn't drop me. He laid me on the couch and cleaned and dressed the wound for me once it stopped bleeding because I was still flipping out. It was so sweet! The whole time he was still bleeding from his own cut but it didn't matter. I love him so much.
Miguel and I were cleaning the house yesterday, I was in the kitchen doing dishes and he was vacuuming in the living room. I go in to ask him if I should toss the lettuce and I see him bent over obliviously vacuuming behind the couch. Suddlenly he exclaims "woah!" and turns off the vacuum. He turns around with that gleeful million dollar smile of his, and he has a large nug of weed in his hand. This is one of the only times that I didn't have some at the time either. I had dropped my stash jar on the floor a week before and I guess I missed some. "Let's smoke it all RIGHT NOW!" I proclaim with joy. "It's covered with dust though" Miguel says. I pick up some masking tape and wave it at him. "Oh wait, I have a lint roller!" He goes and gets it and uses it on the nug, and lo and behold it works stunningly well. We then proceed to get baked out of our minds and have a gigglefest.
Like they say, it's the little things in life that bring the most joy. I swear we need our own sitcom.
I just fucked up my lovely fresh painted nail to type this shit. There's nobody to talk to so I'll talk to myself. I've been dealing with overabundant nostalgia lately and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I miss San Francisco, I miss it real bad. It sounds ridiculous but I miss the loneliness. I guess it's more the independence factor where I have to rely on myself and nobody else. I dunno, I miss the weather, the stores, the hills, even the people. What is wrong with me?
I want to go back there but I want to bring Miguel with me. That would make it all okay, as long as I have him and a car. That place has a lot of bad memories but a lot of good ones too. Am I afraid of running into Him? Not really afraid because I know it will happen eventually. When I think about him I get a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's the feeling of things left undone. I have a really hard time staying mad at people, because I look for the dignity of the human spirit in everyone and I remember that we all have the light of God in our hearts. But this man, I don't know. I can't say I'm mad but I'm kinda upset that karma is working so slowly for him. I know it's wrong to wish ill will upon others but this is more like a lesson that needs to be learned for the greater good of mankind.
I wish I could stop thinking so much about all those who have done me wrong. Why can't I just let it go? Why can't I forget all the bad things people have done to me and live for the present? I don't know why, I just have a great sense of injustice about how things are right now. What makes people want to neglect and abandon me? I need to find out. It pisses me off that these people have control over my thoughts at all. I don't even want to give them that much. I just want to be free... I don't know how I can be. I'm trying to forgive but its just so hard when so much damage has been done. I didn't deserve anything that happened to me. Blah I just need to shut up. To those that have done me wrong and you know who you are-- Karma.
